Getting to Know You...
My husband and I had been married for ta few years, we were happily married, we had four kids, we lived in a nice home, but something was wrong. As I stared at him on the other couch I began to ponder if I knew the man I was sharing a house with. Could I name his best friend? Could I tell you what his favorite movie was? I didn’t even know why he seemed so upset coming home from works this week. I began to ponder what had happened. How did we get to this point we were at? I recall dating and talking about everything and knowing every little detail about his life that made him tick. Maybe it was the big move that just happened, or the birth of our fourth child, maybe it was the fact that he was so busy at work with his new promotion, and I was so busy going to school. Had we let our relationship die in a sense?
Does this sound familiar to you? Do you get so busy in life that you forget about continually strengthening your relationship with your spouse? You are not alone if you have. Many people overtime in a marriage forget how important it is to continue to strengthen your marriage. John Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, talks about the importance of love maps and how they can help your marriage continue to be strong over the years. You might wonder what is a love map? A love map is basically being very familiar with your spouse’s world that he or she lives in. It is knowing the small details of his or her life as well as the big ones. If you feel as though things might have or are slipping away do not worry! You and your spouse can begin now building a more intimate relationship by working on your love maps.
• Name my two closest friends.
• What was I wearing when we first met?
• Name one of my hobbies.
• What stresses am I facing right now?
• Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday.
• What is my fondest unrealized dream?
• What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
• What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?
• What is my favorite getaway place?
• What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?
• What are some of my favorite ways to work out?
• Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”
• What would I consider my ideal job?
• What medical problems do I worry about?
• What was my most embarrassing moment?
• Name one of my favorite novels/movies.
• What is my favorite restaurant?
By starting with these simple questions you can begin to really connect with your spouse again.
After you and your spouse begin connecting again on a cognitive level it is important for you to spend time with one another. Date night is crucial in marriages. This gives couples the opportunity to go out with no kids and talk about the things that they would like to talk about without any interruptions. This needs to be a weekly priority. Dates don’t have to be expensive. They could be as simple as you walk in the park or as elaborate is dinner at a five-star restaurant. My husband and I have always used the excuse that we have kids at home and cannot go out because of the cost of the date and getting a babysitter. By the way when did babysitters get so expensive? What my husband and I started doing is swapping with another couple. Each month we take turns watching each other’s kids so that we can go out. The bonus to this is our kids get so excited for date night because that means they get an extra long play date! The other three weeks throughout the month my husband and I come up with creative dates that we can do around the house or neighborhood that do not require us to get a babysitter. Make a commitment now to take the time once a week to spend with your spouse and your marriage will flourish. This week make it a priority to strengthen your love map and plan a date and go out! Until next time… can’t wait to hear about your date!
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